How Fire Emblem: Three Houses Should Have Ended
by Anonymous Contributer
Summary: Warning: The following contains strong language and playful jabs at a cool video game. It is not recommended to those who cannot take a joke. Also spoilers for a game you've probably already beaten. Reader discretion is advised.


**Dorothea:** Anyway, I value your opinion, Professor, but I won't have you interfering with my life plans. Unless you'd like to take care of me into my old age? That'd be something, eh? How about it, Professor?

**Byleth:** OK.

**Dorothea:** I wasn't — You aren't being serious, are you? I was just teasing. Or did you really just consider spending your whole life with me?

**Seteth:** *_walks in with a Knight of Seiros_* Alright, that's enough! You're under arrest!

**Byleth:** *_gets dragged away by knight_* What the—!?

**Seteth:** *_walks away with knight and Byleth_* We can't have our teachers flirting with students. We get enough scandal from sending them on life or death missions.

_**How Fire Emblem: Three Houses Should Have Ended**_

* * *

**Jeralt:** Looks like I'll be stuck here for a while…and I'm afraid your services are requested as well.

**Byleth:** As a mercenary?

**Jeralt:** Nothing like that. They want you to teach, by the sound of it. At least until I told them you would be the _worst_ candidate for a teacher, since you know _nothing_ about our society, let alone how the world works.

**Seteth:** *_walks in_* Yes, and we have a perfectly certified teacher in Professor Jeritza. Fortunately, your father suggested that you join the Knights of Seiros, and with his recommendation and the students' eye witness reports of your abilities, you should have no trouble getting in. We'll start your evaluation first thing in the morning.

**Jeralt:** See, it'll just be like how it used to be when we were mercs. And you can still roam around and chat with the brats if you want.

**Rhea:** *_walks in_* And best of all, I can still keep an eye on you for my secret plans.

**Byleth:** Wait, what?

**Rhea:** Er…you heard nothing!

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

**Death Knight:** Understood. I will go… *_teleports away_*

**Flame Emperor:** We will cross paths again. I am the Flame Emperor…It is I who will reforge the world.

**Byleth:** Wait a minute...Edelgard, is that you?

**Flame Emperor:** What!? Nnnooo…

**Byleth:** Yeah, that's totally you Edelgard. I can tell by your voice.

**Linhardt:** Oh yeah, he does have her exact same inflexion.

**Ferdinand:** Edelgard _was_ the only one who come down here with us.

**Dorothea:** And Edie is the next in line to be the _Emperor_.

**Flame Emperor:** I am not this Edelgard you speak of!

**Hubert:** Of course he isn't you fools! Lady Edelgard is too brilliant to make her secret identity so blatantly obvious!

**Linhardt:** Well that settles it. If Hubert is trying to cover for her, than it's definitely Edelgard.

**Death Knight:** *_teleports in_* Flame Emperor. I came back to tell you that Edelgard has been spotted with the masked professor, and is now heading here.

**Byleth:** Shut up Jeritza! We all know you're the Death Knight!

**Death Knight:** Well, I tried. *_teleports away_*

**Flame Emperor:** For the last time! I am absolutely, most definitely not Edelgard!

**Dorothea:** I can't believe you would do all of this Edie!

**Byleth:** And just when I decided to ask you out to the ball.

**Flame Emperor:** You were going to ask me out to the ball!?

**Byleth:** Aha! Gotcha!

**Flame Emperor:** DAMNIT!

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

**Monica:** *_backstabs Jeralt_* How dare you get in the way of my brilliant plan…you dog.

**Byleth:** *_stares in shock before rewinding time_*

**Jeralt:** Run along now.

**Monica:** Thanks for all your help, sir.

**Byleth:** *_extends sword to try and stab Monica_*

**Thales:** *_teleports in and deflects Byleth's attack_*

**Byleth:** *_stares in shock_*

**Monica:** *_backstabs Jeralt_*

**Byleth:** *_keeps staring_* Oh wait, I have more divine pulses. *_rewinds time_* Father! She's going to stab you!

**Jeralt:** Hmm!? *_grabs Monica's wrist before she stabs him and twists her arm around to make her stab herself_* Thanks for the assist, kid!

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

**Byleth:** *_gets bound by dark tendrils_*

**Kronya:** Solon…Stop this!

**Solon:** The time has finally come to unleash the Forbidden Spell of Zaharas upon our enemies!

**Byleth:** Okay, I've seen enough. *_rewinds time to before Kronya was defeated_* Everyone, this is a trap! All mages and archers, kill her from afar!

**Kronya:** Oh shi— *_wasted_*

**Solon:** *_peering from some bushes_* Curses! Oh well, nothing of value was lost.

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

**Rhea:** I will not…allow Garreg Mach…or my mother to fall! Arrrrgh! *_transforms into The Immaculate One_* You will not be forgiven!

**Church Soldier 1:** HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS THAT!

**Church Soldier 2:** Is that Lady Rhea!?

**Knight of Seiros 1:** She just transformed into a freaking dragon!

**Knight of Seiros 2:** The manifesto was right all along!

**Church Soldier 3:** Wait, so does that mean we're the bad guys?

**Knight of Seiros 3:** Not anymore! LET'S GET HER!

**Rhea:** N-no, wait I— AAAH! *_gets beaten down by everyone_*

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

_**OR...**_

**Rhea:** Why did you come?

**Byleth:** *_looks behind_*

**Thales:** *_charges dark magic ball and launches it at Byleth_*

**Byleth:** *_rewinds time before attack connects_*

**Rhea:** Why—?

**Byleth:** No time! Bad guys over there! *_runs towards Thales_*

**Thales:** What!? How did— *_gets cut down by Byleth_* GYAAAH!

**Byleth:** Man, divine pulse is so OP! Why haven't I been using this the whole time?

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

*_two Empire soldiers drag Rhea in front of Edelgard_*

**Empire Soldier 1:** Lady Edelgard! We lost Garreg Mach, but we managed to capture Rhea!

**Edelgard:** Excellent work.

**Rhea:** So what will you do now, Edelgard? Make me your prisoner?

**Edelgard:** Prisoner? Oh no. You're the root of the corrupt Crest System and why I'm waging war in the first place. Once you die, I'll have gotten rid of my biggest obstacle, and lower my enemies' morale.

**Rhea:** Uuuuh…I was really banking on being a captive.

**Edelgard:** Well you should have thought of that before imposing a caste system based on who is a descendant of the biggest bastards in history.

**Rhea:** Hey, that's my family you're talking about!

**Edelgard:** I meant the ten heroes who slaughtered them and took their blood to make the Crests in the first place, and their corpses to make the Hero Relics.

**Rhea:** Oh.

**Edelgard:** You know, a person with common sense wouldn't deify their family's murderers and give said family's remains a proper burial, instead of letting people continue to use them as weapons of mass destruction.

**Rhea:** Yeah, looking back, that…wasn't my proudest moment.

**Edelgard:** Indeed. Execute her.

*_Empire Soldier 2 cuts off Rhea's head_*

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

*_Empire and Kingdom soldiers fight each other in Grondor Field_*

**Claude:** Hmph. The Empire and Kingdom are mixed up in this battle. It's a struggle to target the right one…is what I'd be saying if I were an idiot. Kill anyone wearing a red shirt! And help out the blue guys while you're at it!

*_Alliance soldiers kill several Empire soldiers and one "Red Shirt" from "Star Trek" before surrounding Edelgard and Hubert with the help of Kingdom soldiers_*

**Edelgard:** Well, poop.

**Claude:** Yep, that's why I'm the "Master Tactician".

*_pan over to show a pissed off Robin from "Awakening" next to Claude_*

**Robin:** Ahem.

**Claude:** The future is now old man.

* * *

*_FFWD HISHE VIDEO_*

_**But this is how it really should have ended…**_

**Thales:** Agarthans! Our time is now! The savages above may outnumber us! But we are an advanced civilization with mechs and nukes! We should outmatch them and their primitive swords and arrows no problem! And if that isn't enough, we have mass produced a new weapon of lower-tech, but still far more powerful than our former relics! *_pulls out an assault rifle_* GUNS!

*_cut to Agarthans shooting the heroes while mechs and nukes are destroying buildings in the background_*

**Thales:** HAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!

*_cut to Thales at the Villain Pub…_*

**Thales:** And so we gunned down anyone that stood in our way and took over the entire continent!

**Everybody:** *_laughs_*

**Voldemort:** Oh but seriously, congrats on your win.

**Khan:** Yes, it is very rare that a patron here gets a victory.

**Thales:** Oh it was nothing. It's pretty easy to triumph when you have giant mechs and superweapons. Isn't that right, Palpatine? Oooh, wait!

**Everybody except Palpatine:** *_laughs at Palpatine_*

**Palpatine:** Ugh…you all won't be laughing once I make my grand return.

**Joker:** So what are you gonna do now that you've won? Hehe.

**Thales:** Well, ruling an entire continent is fine and all. But why settle for that when there's an entire world within my grasp?

**Everybody:** *_murmuring in agreement_*

**Thales:** But first, I think it's time I updated our image.

*_cut to Thales in Shambhala_*

**Thales:** Fódlan was just the beginning! Now the rest of the world shall know our might! And everyone will know and fear the name…

*_a giant banner unfurls behind Thales, bearing a dark insignia from "Advance Wars"_*

**Thales:** Of "Black Hole"!

**Agarthans:** *_cheers_*

_**THE END**_

* * *

**And I'm back…for now. I originally wanted to do an "Honest Trailer" parody for this game, but an official one beat me to it, even coming up with the same "Starring" joke I had for Caspar. So then I planned to make an original parody about the infamous Jeralt death scene, but then computer troubles happened and I lost all my work. Yadda yadda, more bullshit happened in my life, so I decided to gather all the jokes I came up with, plus some new ones, and give you this very late "HISHE" parody instead. I'll still complete and post the "Honest Trailers" parody if enough people want me to. Anyways, I really enjoyed the game, more than I expected to in fact. Easily the best "Fire Emblem" game so far. I actually want to write a whole story about it. Although it seems like everyone else beat me to the punch. Maybe I'll just wait until all the DLC comes out so I have more story/joke material to work with. Or better yet, maybe I shouldn't bother since I clearly have a bad habit of leaving long projects unfinished (man, I'm a prick for constantly teasing you about "Precocious Love", huh?). Either ways, don't expect much from me soon. Both because of my known lazy ass, and because "Death Stranding" is right around the corner (I can't wait to finally know what that game is about). But before I go, it's time for that traditional "HISHE" stinger joke!**

* * *

**Ferdinand:** I am Ferdinand von Aegir!

**Groot:** I am Groot!

**Yondu:** I'm Mary Poppins y'all!

**Mario:** I'm-a Mario!

**Thanos:** I am…inevitable.

**Batman:** Everyone stop! I'm Batman, and that's the last of it!

* * *

**Yeah yeah, I know. But hey, Ferdinand's catchphrase crossovered with "HISHE's" biggest running joke? It had to be done! That's it for now. I hope you all enjoyed reading this! Happy Halloween!**


End file.
